Chapter 36

Wow, it’s finally here! Chapter 36. And honestly…I feel great! 

36 always felt like an “I’m finally here” age in my mind. When I was in my twenties, I looked forward to my mid-thirties. For some reason, I always felt like that was the time when real growth and change happens. And in some ways, I can confirm that. My career has been evolving in ways that I hadn’t imagined. I’m in a good peaceful loving relationship. I have a roof over my head and a working car (whew lawd, those cars and apartments from my 20’s…yikes!!! Let’s not go there LOL).  But in so many ways I still feel like that 20-year-old girl still searching and looking for her place in the world. The girl who looked forward to this moment, thinking “that’s when I’ll finally have it all together”.

What is all together anyways? I feel like I share with so many others in that sense of that someday when thinking: When I become this age, things will change or When I become a parent or  When I make x amount of money. Thinking in this way was never a healthy habit and It’s a condition of thinking that I’ve been doing my best to break for the last few years or so. But now that I’m here at chapter 36 (that “when” time and age) I acknowledge that I don’t have it “all together” and I’m okay with that. I’m still searching, seeking, discovering, defining, redefining, and undefining who I am. And it’s an exciting mysterious journey. 

So for my chapter 36, I will bow to my 20-year-old self in honor of her. In doing so I send a message back to her saying, “yes things are different, they’re not all that much easier, but you’ve learned so much and at this chapter, you’re more equipped to handle what comes your way”. I know she hears me and understands the ebbs and flows of life and now at 36, I tell her, “that even at 20-years-old you do have it together, more than you think and you’re doing amazing sweetie!”.